January is a time of reflection for most. I suppose it’s a time of reflection for me, too. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spent the last two months entrenched in what has happened over the past year, and what I want to happen in the next. It’s consumed me, really. I have made so many lists: goals, to do, budget, more goals, making it happen, workshops, more to do, branding, more goals. Lists, lists everywhere; strung on walls, crumpled in trash cans, scratched into Anthropologie catalogs and Moleskines, on post it notes and fashion spreads. I have big plans for my business. Big dreams.
I heard somewhere that if your dream doesn’t scare you, it’s not big enough. I assure you, my dream terrifies me. Wakes me up in the middle of the night sweating and gasping for air. What if it actually comes true? What if I actually do this? Or worse: What happens when I do this?
A few weeks ago Mary wrote a post about being honest. Really truly deeply look-yourself-in-the-face-and-tell-the-truth-dammit honest. She wrote about writing. One. Honest. Thing. So here I am, being honest. Hiding behind an assortment Instagram photos and laying it all out there. Raw. Unfiltered. Real.
I’m terrified, really. I’ve never had a dream come true and then stayed with it once it did. I wanted to be a professional snowboarder in high school. My first chance at sponsorship landed me in a voluntary retirement. “I’m getting hurt. I fall often. I’m going bigger, harder, faster, and it is putting my body at too much risk.” I quit. I wanted to dance. I started taking ballet twice a week at two studios in the arts district of downtown Minneapolis. I danced whenever and wherever I could. Then I quit. “I am starving myself. I am obsessed with dancing. I want a normal life.” I hung up my pointe shoes. I’d love to tell you I never looked back – but I look at those shoes often. And with a quiet longing that surprises me still. I took on the collegiate world, and by storm nonetheless. A 4.0 student with her eyes on Harvard, I filled out the application and had it reviewed by top professors from my school. “This application is strong, young lady. I am very impressed. Best of luck out East,” they’d say. It sat, postage paid, in an envelope on my kitchen table until days before the deadline. I finally picked it up, breathed a heavy sigh, and tossed it into the recycling. I didn’t even chase that dream — I said no before anyone could ever tell me yes.
Fast forward a bit (as I fear I’m losing your interest) and I find myself here. Sitting at the counter in the home where I grew up, a clothes-less toddler next to me eating Japanese cookies, writing a blog post about the very core of who I am: a quitter. A giver-upper. A quit-before-you-can-fail-er. I quit. Before I can fail. That’s it. That’s my honest thing. I quit before I can fail. Even though I have never had reason to believe I would, there was always the chance that I might.
I’m not afraid to fail anymore. I’ve written down my goals for this business, this dream, and the steps that it will take to get me there. I have also written down what it looks like if I don’t get there – what failure actually means. Once I did that, the fear dissipated. Because it’s not failure. No matter how this journey ends, no matter where I end up a year from now, five, ten, fifty, this road that I am on right.now. is the absolute right one. With every mistake I make, with every frame I shoot, with every chance I take on this venture I become deeper rooted in my belief that this is exactly what I was born to do. To live a creative life. To be a photographer. A mom. A blogger. A quilt maker. A knitter. A quitter. A dreamer. A laugher. A hoper. A wisher. And insane overuser of suffixes-er. To be exactly here, exactly now, exactly who I am, at precisely this.very.moment. Happy twenty-dozen, friends.
Here’s to dreaming so big it’s scary. To being okay with failure. To being honest. To being me. To being exactly you.
Always Love,
A
Kelsea
Way to make me tear up and smile warmly all at the same time.
Raw truth.
p.s. I heart THOSE trees ;)
And you.
jen
alrighty. i love you. lots …
in a totally not scary way, promise.
because?
i … am … you.
that's me too.
i'm scared to death of doing this thing. taxes terrify me … and i've spent more time this past week thinking that maybe i should just call it quits. because something might happen. numbers kill me. why the hell should i be running a business? i'm weak. i should never have ever thought that i was good enough. i give up on myself. superty easily. why would anyone hire ME? i'm just like everyone else out there with a camera and a dream.
except i'm not.
i have wanted THIS since long before i thought i could DO this. but i had people talk me out of it. and i tried other things … but they just don't fulfill me like this does.
oh shoot. i just realized that you aren't my diary.
sorry, friend.
Melissa Oholendt
You. GO.
Mary
Great post.
anda
this post needs to go viral because it's so important and honest and everyone should read it. i love it. we are so similar in so many ways. and i'm not letting you give up anymore (remember our little chat in american apparel last summer? — no more excuses!!! you are holding yourself back for fear of success … so glad you've embraced that and will now move beyond it. far beyond).
Nadia
Great post. And you're not a quitter…you're a tryer. You tried. At least you can say you tried, right? and you know what…the reason ballet didn't work out, snowboarding, Harvard, etc…was because you were MEANT to be a photographer. Simple as that. And if those things worked out…even for a little bit…you wouldn't be where you are TODAY. Not even close. Because something else would've happened. Maybe you wouldn't have met DRL…maybe you'd have different children…different inspirations…a different job…maybe…just maybe (god forbid!) our friendship wouldn't have been rekindled at the bar in Champps in Minnetonka and you wouldn't have had my wedding to "practice" shoot at…and you wouldn't be where you are now. Quitter, I think not. Tryer of all things wonderful…INDEED! Love you. xoxo
Bridget
Love, love, LOVE! Thank you for this beautiful post Athena! <3
Emily steffen
So honest and so raw and so so so empowering to just face it!!! So thrilled and proud and excited that you took the time to face your fears and know that you are in today and to you, there is no failure! I love that! The actual reality is that we all have those fears and for you to name them and know that you ARE going to make life happen is so amazing and empowering!!! You are fabulous my friend and I can't wait to see this journey or successes and victories for you! And ps…..is that the herringbone cowl that I see!??? So so jealous of that my dear! It beautiful and so are you my friend!!! :)
Justin
KIller. Do it!