Four months ago I stood in front of my mirror and sobbed. Shoulder bobbing, chest heaving, nose running, cried. I couldn’t stand my reflection, the girl I had let myself become. My clothes didn’t fit, I didn’t feel good, and I had spent the better part of a year convincing myself that I was happy with how I looked. That I didn’t care if I was carrying around 5 extra pounds (okay ten) because my body had done amazing things (hello, wombfruits!) and I would carry those scars with pride. Stretch marks. Sagging skin. A jiggly midsection. Big thighs. I told myself those things were beautiful. I screamed it to myself and forced myself to believe it. I threw the words “self-acceptance” and “love” at myself like a knife, over and over again until it finally hit the mark. Some days the knife-throwing didn’t work. Some days, no matter how...
this is where shit gets real. this is my cliff. this is where I jump.
I’m going to be honest. I mean really honest. I mean more honest than I’ve ever been with myself even honest. I suck at loving myself. I’m really really great at loving others. At doing things and being there for my friends and family. Even for perfect strangers. I put everyone first, while I settle for last place. Happily. Easily. Without-a-second’s-hesitation-aly. But it ends now. It has to. I’m going to crack. I hate my body. But what’s worse, is that I don’t love myself enough to have the courage it takes to do something about it. Which makes me hate myself, too. For years I’ve heard people tell me that I look great. I’m “so small,” but you guys! I’m five feet tall. Of course I’m small. The truth is that when I take off my clothes and see my reflection, I’m brought to tears. I’ve hidden behind the excuse of having a...
in pictures | the incredible year that was 2013.
I don’t know that I’m ready to summarize this past year in words. I don’t know that I’ve quite found the right ones just yet, and to be honest, I’m not certain I ever will. So I’m going to do the best at can right this moment, and allow my photographs to speak for me. I have exponentially more favorites than I could ever share in one blog post, so here are a few of the ones that stood out to me – in no particular order (and not including any iPhone or instagram photos.) It’s hard to believe that each one of these stories happened this year. Some feel as though they occurred ages ago, and others, still only just yesterday. But what I do know for sure is that every single person in these photographs – and so many more that aren’t pictured here – have completely and...
things I want to remember | december
Time is flying by lately. It’s whizzing, really, and it’s taken my breath away on several occasions. There’s so much to do, so much undone at the end of each day, and I find myself struggling to fit everything in as effortlessly as I used to. I’ve shifted somehow. I’ve changed. Rearranged. I’m currently lost in the revelry of my daughters. Their joy, their wonder, their singing and longing and curiosities. I’ve immersed myself in them and it’s been wonderful. But time flits by ever so swiftly still, and I find myself filled with a joyful sorrow; these moments, the little things that pass by without much ado, years from now they will be the big things. Every ounce of mundane – of minutia – will be a weighted trap of memory, of reminiscence. Bittersweet longing. Someday I’ll look back on today and I know it won’t be the dishes...